People aren't born sad, we make them that way

I feel.
I know I'm not a Robot because Robots don't feel.
And I for one, feel everything.
I feel numbness
When you are just simply here, living life but not truly living it.
Until you find your purpose again.
Then suddenly you remembered that you loved how the warm sun felt on your skin
And how the mountains looked in the fall
And how the moon makes you feel so lucky to be alive looking at it
You find yourself happy with the little things
You find yourself happy with just being you

Sometimes you can feel like you're a robot looking into a mirror and not recognizing the face staring back at you.
It's because the world is getting to you with all their talk saying;
"You're not good enough" "You're not strong enough" "You're not skinny enough"
When they themselves aren't happy with who they are.
Listening to what they have to say will only make you cold and vain causing you to lose sight of who you are.
Don't let the world change you.
Find your purpose, find your light that will cast away the shadows.
Don't be that person that looks into the mirror and only see's a strangers face.

Divorce

Moving from house to house is never easy.
With new moms or dads you'd be better off not knowing.
Packing and re-packing bags. 
At a point I thought just to leave my stuff in a bag because we won't be there long
They say "A house isn't a home until you make it." But how can I do that when I barely have time to breathe.?
When I barely know the stranger that sleeps in the room next to me? 

My mind keeps wandering back to the house that I grew up in
The house where I learned how to ride a bike, where I lost my first and last tooth
Where I had my first sleepover, held hands with a boy for the first time
When I found out that Santa Clause wasn't real, but the magic of Christmas still was
Where we brought home then later put down our first dog
But most importantly when my family was still a "family"
The house that literally built every part of me, was taken away from us, from me
Now that that's all gone I feel like part of me has gone with it


They say divorce gets easier with time, but they lied.
You just get more used to the fact that nothing will ever be the same again.
That's when i realized.. It's not the house we hang on to, it was the people inside it. 

Song: House that built me, Miranda Lambert

Fairy Tales

"Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us dragons exist,
but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten."
-G. K. Chesterton

Childhood where did you go?

I got home around 2:30am heartbroken.
Feeling worthless and unwanted. I know it wasn't true but they were just re-occurring thoughts that ran through my head that day.
Why couldn't life be more simple. Like back when missing your favorite cartoon on Sunday nights was your biggest worry.
Or practicing the piano for exactly 30 minutes so you could go play night games with the neighbor kids until your parents yelled "time for bed!"
Back when you wore a green shirt with orange pants with your hair in a mess and didn't care what you looked like, because you did it all yourself.
When you looked forward to everyday and not just the weekends.
Back when kids would rather be outside playing than inside on their phones.
Somebody please tell me, where did those times go?
We've dreamed all our childhood lives about being older.
And now that we are... I just want my crayons back.

This is for him..

I stare at the tile covered ground hoping, praying no one could hear how fast my heart was thumping.
Could this really be? Is he really gone? I thought with lumps in my throat clumping.
A tear rolled from my eye, down to my cheek and onto the tile covered floor.
Trying so hard to be strong, but not really knowing what for.
I sat in my room and stared at the wall as life, as time kept going on without him.
As if he never existed.
My first friend I made in Junior high was gone.
Just like that.
No explanation, no goodbye, no warning.
I got a text from a friend later that next morning.
I couldn't believe what I'd read.
On my screen a text saying "I'm sorry to say, but your friend is dead."
Later that evening, at a church right by his house
A meeting was held, the room so silent you could not hear a thing no not even a mouse
Stranger after friend after jock went up and spoke, reminiscing, remembering
As for me, I sat, trying with everything  in me not to cry
People would ask if I was ok,  I would shake my head yes.. But even they knew hat was a lie.
He's still gone and it hurts like hell.
But I'll keep living on, for him, until that final bell.
If he would have known all the pain that he caused, would he still be here?
Maybe if he.. If they knew how much love they had, things could have been more clear.

Hats?

I've been blankly staring at my keyboard for quite some time now,
trying to find the right words to say.
HATS
H-A-T-S
A

T

S

That's the assignment right? To write about the word "hats"?

Or do we write about the person that's in the hat?

The places that the hat has gone?

Perhaps all the thinking and daydreaming that has gone on inside that hat?

Where, when, or how you got your hat?

Maybe even all the heads your hat has been on? (Gross)

There could be great significant meaning to some behind the word hats.

But for me it's just another word used to describe the piece of material that's on my head.

Hats.

Unexpected

I never thought senior year would come. But here it is.
The year we've looked forward to all our lives is already 3 weeks in.

 Our last everything.

The big finale. 

We thought all our problems would vanish, like we would know who our true friends were, what we wanted to do in life, where we wanted to go to college, what we wanted to study, etc.

 But here we are almost as clueless as we were 5 years ago starting junior high.

Unexpectedly confused and discouraged life isn't what we imagined it to be.